Cyba_Zero

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all of its contents belong to EA/Bioware, Star Wars belongs to Lucasfilm, Easterlings and the Lord of the Rings belong to the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien, Borg and Star Trek belong to CBS Paramount, CMC-300 powered combat suits and the StarCraft universe belong to Blizzard Entertainment, Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder and Harry Potter belong to J.K. Rowling, soulgems and The Elder Scrolls series belong to Bethesda, the fic being sporked ('Mess Efekt: Atak of Geths') belongs to MightyBadger.

The PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia.

OFUM and the concept of minis belong to Miss Cam.

Thank you SeaTurtle for the permission gifts for my agents.

Thank you also to Sevenswans for beta-ing this.

Chapter 1: Mission to 'Mess Efekt: Atak of Geths' (wherein Cyba Zero gets a baptism by fire in the matter of bad spelling).

Cyba Zero was looking for a Response Centre. Well, technically she was not exactly looking very hard, mainly because all her concentration was taken up by trying to control the shiny, new power armour she was wearing. This was good in two ways: firstly because not looking for the RC was just about the best way to find it, and secondly because she was thoroughly enjoying herself. HQ was like that; thinking about where you were going was a sure-fire way not to get there. It was odd, therefore, that Cyba Zero had yet to spot the door to RC #−273.15. By all the normal idiosyncrasies of PPC HQ she had actually heard about so far, she ought to have walked past it at least ten times already.

However, Cyba Zero did not really care. She was having far too much fun. Earlier that day, she had spent a long while wandering erratically before finally discovering the post room and the delivery that she had been notified needed picking up. That had been the armour, a gift from a very nice person called SeaTurtle for completing her training. The label had also mentioned that it was  a CMC-300 powered combat suit from the StarCraft continuum. It had then taken her about an hour to figure out how to get the armour on, and about another half an hour to work out how to make it move.

A couple of agents coming the other way took one look at her and quickly took a side-passage. In fact, it was about the seventh time in twenty minutes that had happened. It probably had something to do with the way she was weaving her way down the corridors, at times flailing wildly to maintain her balance and nearly hitting the walls. To be fair, many agents had probably seen worse - but they were not taking any chances. She was also giggling with absolute glee, which, through the helmet, sounded rather disconcerting, sinister, and perhaps borderline maniacal.

"Halt!" yelled a voice.

Cyba jumped... and started wobbling as a result.

"I have you outflanked! Surrender now!" The voice was male and coming from behind her.

Cyba attempted to stop and turn around, but fell over instead, achieving a pirouette on the way.

"I surrender!" she squeaked, raising her arms in some semblance of above her head.

"You do? Oh. You must be an agent." It was difficult to tell whether he sounded relieved or disappointed.

Cyba was waving her limbs about a somewhat futile manner, like a beetle on its back. She heard a sword slip back into its sheath and a man in full Easterling armour from the Lord of the Rings came into her field of view.

"Nice gear," Cyba complimented him. "Speaking of nice gear, mine isn't scratched, is it? Does it look good? Oh, and would you mind helping me up? I think I'm stuck."

"Ah. Female PPC agent," the Easterling concluded. "It was difficult to tell from the voice through that helmet, but the words... Also, no, it isn't scratched." He paused, making a brief check over his shoulder in case somebody was sneaking up on him. Satisfied that there was no-one, he turned back to Cyba. She could just about make out a pair of blue eyes through his helmet. Maybe he was not an Easterling after all.

His eyes narrowed.

"You're Cyba Zero, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment... how did you guess that?"

"I'm supposed to be looking for you. Oh, and RC #−273.15."

"You're Eagrus Khan?"

"Yes."

"Do you usually creep up behind your new agent partners and make them jump out of their skin - or worse, their armour?"

"Sorry about that. I thought you might be an invader."

"An invader? In HQ? You know that hasn't happened in years bar the odd person falling in through a plothole?"

"Did your training tell you that?"

"No, background reading did. Well, the first part, anyway. The second is how I first got here - while LARPing, incidentally."

"Right."

"And I am still stuck, you know."

"Ah, yes," he said. "We'd better retreat to a defensive position."

"Eagrus, you know I strongly doubt..."

"You can never be too careful."

"Do you even know where the RC is?" asked Cyba.

"As a matter of fact, I do," he responded, pointing at the ceiling. Then he finally got around to helping her up, acting mostly as a balancing aid. "I had been wondering, " he said, "why you were going around in circles. You must have passed this point at least ten times."

Cyba looked in the direction he had indicated. Above them, neatly inlaid into the ceiling, was a trapdoor bearing a small plaque denoting it as RC #-273.15.

"How do you suppose we get up there?" queried Cyba.

"I don't know if I can lift you in that armour," admitted Eagrus. "You might have to take it off. I'll watch your back while you do."

"No need," said Cyba, "this is power armour. It might be able to lift you. Or you could just climb onto my shoulder, which might be safer. Just don't scratch anything."

Eagrus climbed onto her shoulder and managed to stretch up and get the door open. The pair of them wobbled, but he caught hold of the frame and pulled himself into the room above. He disappeared and Cyba heard the sound of pacing as he presumably checked the room was empty. Then the footsteps came back and a rope ladder bounced off her helmet.

"Hey! I said no scratches!" She contemplated the ladder for a moment. "Oh, and that IS going to collapse the minute I try to climb it in this armour." At least if Eagrus ever climbed it, his armour was lighter. There was no way it would take the weight of a suit of power armour, though.

"Ah, give me a moment," came Eagrus voice. Cyba waited  - then the floor promptly gave way and she found herself lying in a heap by Eagrus' feet.

"Ah, the Portal Generator works."

"Thanks," said Cyba. "Although, I would appreciate it if you gave me warning next time." With that, she fumbled around a bit and finally got her helmet off. Beneath was a grey-eyed young woman with her black hair held back in a low ponytail. She started pulling off other parts of her armour and placing them - with great care - on the floor. Knowing how she had eventually got it on made removing it again a little easier. Eagrus took the opportunity to pull up the rope ladder and wind it onto a drum that appeared to have been built for the purpose. That done, he shut the trapdoor.

"We should be safe here," he proclaimed. "The enemy are unlikely to use portals."

"Oh, you can never be too sure..." said Cyba, earning a glare from Eagrus.

"Don't worry," he countered, "I have something to use in case that happens. Speaking of which, I need to fetch the rest of my things."

He did not bother with the door, using the Portal Generator instead. By the time Cyba had succeeded in removing her armour, standing it decoratively in a corner and, most importantly, checking it for any scratches, Eagrus had reclaimed a medium-sized collection of swords in various styles from his old RC. There was also a large crate containing goodness-knows-what.

"You know, we have a rather decent RC here," commented Eagrus once they had both finished. Cyba, satisfied that the paint on her armour was tougher than expected, was now poking around the small suite of rooms they had been lucky enough to land up in. Aside from the main room, there was a small bedroom each and a shared shower and toilet. All were fairly bare, containing only the basic furniture, the belongings Cyba and Eagrus had brought in and the compulsory contents of an RC: one Console, one Portal Generator and one Disguise Generator.

"Spacious," agreed Cyba.

"Somebody must have extended it at some point," Eagrus mused. "Not only that, nobody's getting through that trapdoor easily without us noticing."

"Somebody's even freshened the air for us," observed Cyba, sniffing. "Mmmm, smells fruity." Eagrus scowled beneath his helmet.

"Unfortunately not," he corrected her. "That would be...me."

"You?"

"I'm an Esterling, bit character, recruited from a badfic approximately a year ago. My race was misspelled, so this smell of fruit follows me around courtesy of some...Kemmis Tree. Apparently that isn't one of the Flowers, either - or it's good at hiding."

"Wait, Kemmis Tree?" Cyba giggled and earned another glare. "It's not a tree! It's a science! Chemistry: one of the three main branches of the pursuit of knowledge!" She spelt the word 'Chemistry' for him. "Esters are a group of chemical compounds that commonly smell fruity. They're organic, based on two carbon chains with a specific group of atoms linking them together..."

"Alright! Alright! Enough of the tech-speak already!" cried Eagrus. Then, more quietly: "I prefer magic."

"Do you know any magic?"

"No."

"Do you have access to any?"

"Actually, I do."

"Oh yeah?" pressed Cyba. Eagrus went over to the mysterious box.

"A kind person named SeaTurtle sent this to me as a good luck present. I guess they knew what partnering new agents can be like."

"Hey, that's the same person who sent me my armour!"

"Well this is Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder, straight from the Potterverse." He extracted a few handfuls and placed them carefully in a small pouch on his belt. Then he took a tiny pinch and cast it into the air. A small patch of darkness appeared in the centre of the room. Cyba stuck her head into it for a moment.

"Neat," she said, "but I prefer my armour."

"Tech lover," muttered Eagrus.

"Magic lover," she retorted.

"That's because magic is better."

"It is not."

"Magic beats tech any day."

"Tech is more accessible."

"Magic!"

"Tech!"

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

"Oh no!" they exclaimed in unison. Both agents dashed for the console. The shortest route happened to be through the cloud of darkness. Both agents tripped over each other, landed in a tangled heap and attempted to extricate themselves with no mercy for the other. Both lunged for the console. Eagrus got there first.

They stopped.

They looked.

Their eyes narrowed.

"Bad... spelling..." they said together. A common enemy called for a truce. Magic versus tech forgotten, they both scanned the text on the screen.

"Have you ever heard of 'Mess Efekt'?" Eagrus asked Cyba.

"No. The closest thing I know is Mass Effect," she replied.

"What's Mass Effect?"

"Science fiction, third person, RPG/shooter video game," stated Cyba. There came the sound of gauntlet meeting helmet from next to her.

"I really don't like science fiction," moaned Eagrus. "Well, except maybe Star Wars. I've heard they have swords...and something a lot like magic."

"I love science fiction." Cyba was snickering, now.

"Great. PLEASE tell me this one doesn't involve space."

"It involves space."

"Oh, Flaming Denethor!"

There was a silence.

"I know what's going on here," concluded Eagrus after a while. "I know exactly why the Flowers have paired me with you."

"Why?"

"I teach you the ways of the PPC, and you teach me science... and science fiction."

"Sounds efficient," Cyba observed approvingly.

"Do you like fantasy?" Eagrus changed tack.

"Yes."

"Lucky you. At least we'll both be happy if we get a fantasy mission, then. Speaking of which, we ought to get on with it, and don't think I haven't noticed you're wearing jeans and a T-shirt rather than your uniform."

"Oh. Yeah... I kind of got distracted by the whole armour thing..." admitted Cyba sheepishly. "Although, you don't seem to be in uniform either." She disappeared into her room, fumbled about in the cupboard there and came back out with the plain, black uniform draped over her arm.

"My uniform is under my armour," Eagrus informed her upon her return. "Besides, its properties seem to have spread to my armour, anyway." Cyba raised an eyebrow. "Oh," Eagrus explained casually, "the people over in DoSAT said it was something to do with a species called the Borg."

Cyba suddenly yelped and flung the uniform across the room as though it had bitten her. Eagrus started laughing. Cyba glared at him.

"They also said a lot of people react like that when they find out."

"That isn't funny."

"I haven't actually heard of them apart from the name."

"Watch Star Trek."

"I think I'll pass."

There was another silence, during which Cyba used the nearest long object - one of Eagrus' swords - to poke the uniform very tentatively from as far away as possible. Nothing happened.

"Are you sure it's safe?" asked Cyba.

"It hasn't done anything bad to me." Eagrus shrugged.

"That depends on what's under your helmet. I've noticed you haven't taken it off yet."

"I'm also not going to. You know there are plenty of other agents who wear these uniforms and are fine."

Cyba caved in a little, then retrieved it warily and disappeared back to her room. About a minute later, she re-appeared wearing it and looking very nervous.

"Now," spoke Eagrus, "you probably already know we have to go into other continua in disguise."

Cyba nodded. "Yeah, and I vote as soon as possible." She was almost dancing.

"Anyone would have thought somebody had put ants in it," commented Eagrus.

"Don't mention ANTS!" screeched Cyba.

"Bees?" tried Eagrus.

"No HIVE ANYTHING!"

There was a pause.

"You know the Mass Effect continuum: what would you recommend being disguised as?" Eagrus asked calmly.

"Um..." She glanced back at the badfic on the console screen, still hopping from foot to foot. "Geth? Human? Husks might do. "

"Human," decided Eagrus. "Now, we need a Canon Analysis Device each and the Remote Activator. We'll also need the bell, probably a torch and - er - a bit of canon material." He pointed to a cupboard near the console and Cyba pulled out the necessary items: two CADs, a small hand-bell, a torch and a case holding a disc for the first Mass Effect game. In that time, Eagrus had got the portal up and taken the Remote Activator. "Through we go," he said, and shoved her in the right direction.

Cyba stumbled through into...a mess. It was a mess in the sense that it looked vaguely like the interior of a space-ship, except everything was distorted.

"Eagrus... why does it have ancieeeent graaaaphiiiiics?" That was all she managed to force out before she just stood, gaping in horror, until Eagrus appeared behind her. He was wearing a suit of combat armour common among the human soldiers of the Alliance. This spurred her on to check her own disguise and she discovered she was wearing a similar suit of armour. Both suits were red and black with full helmets and reflective visors that each concealed their wearer's face.

Eagrus placed a gauntlet on Cyba's armoured shoulder.

"Looks bad, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," she stated. From her voice, she was still stunned and also not best pleased.

"That would be the spelling," Eagrus explained. "I'm afraid, Cyba, you're in for what some from World One call a baptism by fire."

"Yippee," said Cyba with utmost sarcasm, followed rapidly by: "Urgh! What's that? There's gunk in my helmet!"

"Probably Sar Plasm," stated Eagrus matter-of-factly. Cyba took a quick look around to see whether anybody was watching before lifting her helmet off to wipe the inside with one gauntlet. "The canon characters won't notice you unless you draw attention to yourself," Eagrus informed her. "Non-canons and possessed characters will, though. Also, if you sort of... unfocus your eyes, you can read the Words."

Cyba gave it a few tries, her eventual success punctuated by:

"Yay! I did it! But hey, I'm not sure I really want to read these. Look at the SPELLING!"

"Apparently we're in the 'engin room'," said Eagrus.

"Who's that guy wandering around?" asked Cyba, as there was indeed a strange man - wearing Turkish costume - wandering around the room, apparently oblivious to everything.

"Probably Engin. He'll disappear just as soon as we fix this."

Cyba looked around more carefully and suddenly noticed something - something she had apparently missed before, thanks to the distorting effects of the bad spelling. There was a small, four-legged robot with a curving neck and a single eye, standing on the floor. It looked like...well it looked like a Geth Colossus, albeit a rather small one.

"Eagrus?" she asked quietly. "What exactly is that?"

"I was wondering when you'd notice," Eagrus told her. "That appears to be a mini. There are two more over there." Cyba followed his nod and spied two more in a corner. "They spawn when somebody misspells something canon-specific."

"Something like 'Mess Efekt', 'Gets' or 'Geths', then?" As she said this, each of the minis seemed to perk up in turn and come over. "Are they dangerous?" asked Cyba quickly.

"No."

"Good - because they're soooo cute!"

Eagrus face-palmed.

At that moment, the door opened and the fic began with 'Sheperd' entering the room, another mini in tow. His appearance was that of the default male Shepard, as much as Cyba could make out with the pixilation. She pointed her CAD at him.

Commander Shepard, human, canon. OOC: 10% Warning: character possessed!

"He's not that out of character, though," observed Eagrus in a hushed voice.

They were pressing themselves into a corner, the engine room not being best designed for hiding places. Fortunately, 'Sheperd''s attention was taken up by the engines. Fortunately for the man called Engin, it did not look like anybody apart from the agents was going to notice him.

"They are so big like stars I pas by to save galxy from rapers lik sawvrin" he said. "Somtime I wunder if I was farmer would life exsist or rapers kill everything"

Eagrus had a clipboard that he had apparently picked up after shoving Cyba through the portal. It was on this clipboard that he was already scribbling a charge list.

1. Misspelling the name of the continuum.

2. Spawning three minis before the fic even started.

3. Misspelling in general.

"What's a 'galxy'," asked Cyba, listening rather than reading the Words, "and why is he saving it from rappers? Does he mean 'galaxy'? I might not be into rap music, but I didn't think it was a galactic threat! Or is that supposed to say Reapers?" She prodded Eagrus. "And don't forget 'Geths' in the first title - that's spelling AND grammar. Geth are Geth!" She clearly had not been reading what he had been writing.

Two more minis appeared: Rapers and Sawvrin.

"Capitalisation, comma, full stop all missing..." muttered Eagrus as he jotted more charges onto the list. He seemed to be concentrating hard on said list in an attempt to block out the atrocious spelling all around him.

Tali ten walk into rom. "Sheperd I hear you talk, and I love" she said with romancing. "I cannt stay away from you sence you are soulmat" and they go to kiss but helmet in way so they cant and are depresd.

For some bizarre reason, what looked a CD-ROM suddenly appeared in the middle of the room. Not one but TEN Talis then came in through the far door and each walked into the CD-ROM in turn. That done, the extra nine promptly vanished.

"Eagrus...I can feel my sanity slipping awaaaaaay..." moaned Cyba, leaning on a wall for support.

"What sanity?" came Eagrus' reply. That earned him an elbow in the ribs, although all it did was bounce off his armour. Fortunately, none of the characters noticed the slight clink over the whirr of the engines.

Cyba pointed her CAD at the remaining Tali.

Tali, Quarian, canon. OOC: 1.239999%

"That was...unexpected," said Eagrus.

"The Tali/Shepard romance is a legitimate option in-game," explained Cyba.

"What's a 'soulmat'?" wondered Eagrus. "Is it like a soulgem in The Elder Scrolls continuum?" His question was answered by 'Sheperd' turning into one. Watching Tali try to kiss a black-, blue- and orange-patterned doormat was really quite bizarre. Cyba's helmet thumped against the wall.

"More missing commas," she muttered, attempting to block out the sheer nonsensicality of what she had just seen. "Also apostrophes, spelling..." She thumped her helmet again. "You know, this is actually quite therapeutic."

The canon gave a horrible lurch as it reached 'go'.

"What was THAT?"

"Shifting tenses," said Eagrus aloud as he wrote it on the charge list.

"Once day I take off your helmt and we kiss but untell that day I fite fore all of hoomendum so we can exsist with lif!" Sheperd swore determinedly.

"Sheperd untel that day I mis you and fite with for love." Tali said also determinedly and they hug.

"I wonder how you 'untell' a day? Is that like eating your words?" Eagrus wondered aloud. At least 'Sheperd' had reappeared on top of the soulmat, which was apparently re-usable. When he stepped off to embrace Tali, Eagrus took the opportunity to quietly grab the mat as loot.

"Bleurgh!" was Cyba's only response. The canon had lurched twice more in quick succession and her stomach was not enjoying it.

Another CD-ROM appeared in the middle of the room, except it was bigger this time. Both agents eyed it with extreme suspicion.

Then Urdent Rocks run in rom and they stop hug cause lov secretly away from Rocks. "Sheperd we have atackers in ship! I brot your riffle for shoting at bad guys!"

Cyba abruptly forgot all about feeling sick. 'Urdent Rocks', who should have been Urdnot Wrex, appeared in the CD-ROM and started running as though in a hamster-wheel. He also did not look much like a Krogan. Cyba was absolutely beside herself.

"Urdent Rocks! URDENT ROCKS! He's turned Urdnot Wrex into a pile of animated RUBBLE! LET ME AT HIM! LET ME AT HIM NOW!" Eagrus had to physically restrain her to stop her charging Possessed!Shepard there and then.

"We will get him," he assured her determinedly. "We just have to wait to compile the entire charge list. I say we get him in the most tactically viable location - namely when he visits the cockpit."

Meanwhile, another two minis spawned: Rocks and Urdent Rocks. 'Sheperd' called his thanks and left the room with the rock monster, leaving Tali attempting to hide in the giant CD-ROM that 'Rocks' had just vacated. Cyba's infuriated intake of breath prompted Eagrus to point his CAD at Tali.

Tali, Quarian, canon. OOC: 49%. Character rupture imminent!

"She might not have a gun but she still has her TECH POWERS!" yelled Cyba. Tali jumped and looked around just in time to see Eagrus drag Cyba out of the room, trailed by eight mini-Colossi.  Fortunately for the minis, Tali was OOC enough to just stare in confusion rather than destroy the Geth she had just noticed were on the ship.

"Please try not to shout," Eagrus chided Cyba once they had left the engine room. "We don't want everybody noticing us."

"Sorry," Cyba apologised.

"Oh, and watch out for the... too late."

Sheperd run to check on Joke and run pass Andeson who was shot but not ded yet cuase he had mishun. "Sheperd I shot in leg so cant go nowheres without hurt." Anersin sed to Sheperd with sad. "I well res in heer until I can fite with you, go save Jocker."

Cyba tripped and fell over a mini just as it appeared. The mini looked round with its single eye and emitted a bleeping sound a lot like laughter. Eagrus chortled, too.

"That must be Joke." He looked further down the corridor. "And presumably those three are Andeson, Anersin and Jocker."

Cyba pulled herself up, but saw the funny side. It was not every day one got laughed at by a miniature Geth Colossus.

"You have a sense of humour, don't you?" said Cyba to Joke. The mini blipped excitedly and did a little skip. Cyba giggled.

"All right, all minis this way! Fall in behind us and keep it orderly!" Eagrus had taken the tone of a military officer. Cyba supposed they DID have a small army of minis, now. The minis formed up except for Mess Efekt - who deliberately sidestepped so as NOT to be orderly - and Joke, who had decided to stay close to Cyba.

"Come on Mess Efekt!" called Cyba. "You can come up here, too, if you want." The mini-Colossus in question tip-tapped its way over eagerly and took up a position by Joke. "Awwwww, aren't they just adorable, Eagrus?" Then again, she was also mentally betting the Esterling was rolling his eyes right now.

Eagrus rolled his eyes behind his helmet and made a metal note that Cyba was easily distracted. She had been so taken by the minis that she had forgotten about being furious and feeling sick - even though there had been more tense shifts. This was getting so bad that even his veteran stomach was starting to complain - not that he was about to tell his fellow agent quite yet.

"I will ser" Sheperd say and salute because this before he was comminder.

"Bleurgh!" Eagrus stomach had finally come to the end of its tether, but was conveniently covered by Cyba getting reminded of the same thing.

"Can this GET any worse?"

"Cyba...don't tempt the Ironic Overpower..."

The punctuation storm that had been threatening since the beginning of the fic chose that moment to hit in force. Torrential downpours of commas started sweeping through the corridor, smatterings of apostrophes and the odd full stop among them.

"Now you've done it! You've gone and triggered the punctuation storm that was brewing!"

"EEEEEEK!" screamed Cyba. At least, over the noise of the storm and the ruckus now coming from the next room, nobody heard it. Commas were pinging off the duo's armour and bouncing in all directions. Little black apostrophes crunched underfoot. Commas and apostrophes were also rather sharp; if the pair of agents had not been wearing armour, it would have hurt. Instead, Eagrus was simply waiting for the second storm to hit.

He waited.

He waited.

He waited some more.

Then it hit.

"They're scratching my ARMOUR!"

Eagrus sniggered into his helmet. Women would be women. At least it was armour and not dresses.

Making a quick check behind, he led the growing mini-hoard onward to a larger room. Thanks to the descriptions, it was not full of 'Geths' or 'Gets' - rather, the ship was actually under attack by Generic Bad Guys. Possessed!Shepard had also done away with his 'riffle', which was pink, soggy, and as useless as its name suggested. He was now using lasers produced from apparently from nowhere. 'Rocks' still seemed to be having more effect, though.

Producing objects from nowhere, wrote Eagrus. He had done away with the numbers long ago.

"You know..."Cyba spoke right by his ear. He jumped. She snickered. "...at least he misspelled 'commander'. Otherwise, we'd have a time paradox on our hands."

Nearly causing a time paradox, saved only by bad spelling, Eagrus added to the list. Then he scanned the room, noting enemy numbers and the fact that the Generic Bad Guys had not exactly come through the storm unscathed. Still, it was not worth it. He pulled out the Remote Activator.

"I don't know about you, but I've had just about enough of this," he said.

Using the portal, they reached the cockpit before 'Sheperd' did. Joker - or 'Joke', anyway - was hiding under a plothole because the Word World either could not decide who or what a 'cher' was, or was too messed up to bother trying. At least it was keeping the falling punctuation off him.

Outside, everything had quieted down apart from 'Sheperd' and 'Rocks', who for some reason were exchanging the word 'hi' five times. Eagrus took the bell and torch, then motioned at Cyba to hide on the far side of the door. Beyond, the somewhat strange 'hi' conversation ceased and Possessed!Shepard came in. He began yelling at poor 'Joking', wondering who the bad guys were. Needless to say, there were now two people hiding under a rapidly-expanding plothole. Rather unexpectedly, a mini fell in through it - presumably Kaddin, who was the last word of the fic.

Eagrus, now with the torch lit, motioned again.

The agents moved. With his normally acute combat senses dulled by the wraith, Possessed!Shepard did not really have a chance. With Eagrus clanging the bell in his ear and shining the torch into his eyes on one side, and Cyba whacking him with the case containing the canon disc on the other, 'Sheperd' was completely disorientated.

"Quick, invoke the name of the canon's creator!" cried Eagrus.

"By the power of EA and Bioware!" shouted Cyba. She got the impression that nobody was going to complain about her shouting this time, especially not with the racket the bell was making.

"We cast you OUT!" yelled Eagrus.

"BEGONE, FOUL SUE-WRAITH! GET OUT OF COMMANDER SHEPARD! AND THAT'S SHEPARD WITH AN 'A'!"

"THE POWER OF EA AND BIOWARE COMPELS YOU!"

'Sheperd' slumped and the wraith gradually coalesced above him.

"How dar you!" it hissed. "I wil mak Mess Efekt spel rong!"

The mini-Colossus of the same name made an annoyed-sounding bleep and shot a tiny energy ball at the wraith, which jumped.

"Well done, you." Cyba patted the mini fondly before rounding on the wraith. "You, shut up."

"Do you want to do the honours?" Eagrus asked his agent partner.

"Yes, please!" she said with gusto. She swapped the canon disc for the charge list and began to read what was beneath the copious amount of notes.

"Evil, Sue-wraith - well, Stu-wraith - you are hereby charged with possessing Commander Shepard; completely pulverizing the English language with utterly terrible spelling; misspelling the name of the continuum; misspelling words in numerous different ways, including the fic's title..."

"If you must spell atrociously, at least be consistent about it!"

"... making the continuum appear to have ancient graphics as a result of said bad spelling; turning Urdnot Wrex into a pile of animated rubble, also due to bad spelling; exchanging the word 'hi' with this rubble, five times; creating enough minis to staff a small OFU - within a mere three-hundred and fifty-seven words, incidentally, AND THREE OF THEM BEFORE THE FIC EVEN STARTED; making various characters collide with random CD-ROMs; appalling grammar; lack of certain full stops, apostrophes and especially commas; causing punctuation storms; SCRATCHING MY ARMOUR; making Tali hide - even without a gun, she has TECH ABILITIES!" Cyba took a quick pause for breath. "You are also charged with calling the Geth 'Geths' and 'Gets' - Geth are Geth, singular and plural; with replacing said Geth with Generic Bad Guys; giving Eagrus a headache - what, really?" Eagrus nodded and Cyba carried on. "In addition, you are charged with frequent tense shifts; making us both sick; making objects appear out of nowhere; using a 'riffle'; creating a 'soulmat' from 'Sheperd'; creating ten Talis, two Andersons and two Jokers; not knowing who the bad guys are after fighting them; trying to create a 'cher'; inconsistent capitalisation; spawning a man called Engin; attempting to cause a time paradox, foiled only by your own bad spelling and with really, REALLY ANNOYING PPC AGENTS!"

"Your sentence would be execution, but apart from making Tali hide and at the very end ruining Shepard's powers of observation, you actually did not cause that much OOC-ness. A wraith that almost only causes technical errors is rather unusual..." He turned to Cyba. "Do you know where they might have a jar on this ship?"

"There's a mess area downstairs - as in kitchen, specifically." Eagrus opened a portal, reached through and extracted an empty jar from a cupboard. Then he addressed the wraith again.

"Your sentence is to be removed from this continuum and kept for study. You don't get any last words, because we've had QUITE enough of the lack of spelling!" Eagrus opened the jar and the wraith was sucked into it.

Cyba was about to comment when the continuum abruptly noticed the Stu-wraith's containment. It snapped back into place with enough force to land both Cyba and Eagrus unceremoniously on their backsides. All at once, everything was pristine and gleaming. The world returned to high resolution, sharp and well-defined; the characters became their canon selves and the minis began inspecting their smooth, polished plating with pride. Shepard was elsewhere on the ship, the pile of rubble by the cockpit door was a Krogan again, Anderson was back on the citadel where he should have been - in full health - and Joker was busy flying the ship. Everything was back to normal.

"Wow," breathed Cyba.

"Feels good, doesn't it?"

"That it does."

There was a silence.

"Just one question: can I keep the armour?"

"No."

"Do you think they have any spare on the ship?"

"I said no. Maybe if we meet a Mary Sue wearing armour - a corporeal one, rather than a wraith - that's another story."

"I call dibs!"

"Okay, you get dibs."

"Woot!"

Nevertheless, Eagrus still made sure Cyba went through the portal to HQ ahead of him by giving her the soulmat to put by the trapdoor.

"I've got another question," piped up Cyba the moment he came through. He hoped it did not have anything to do with the fact they were no longer in disguise - and worse, now in uniform.

"What is it?" he asked warily.

"What are we going to do with all these mini-Colossi?"

"Well, we have enough to start a small Official Fanfiction University, if there isn't one for Mass Effect already."

"Nah. This is more fun, if a little insanity-causing. And hey, you coped well considering you don't like space."

"That's because I couldn't see the space," explained Eagrus. Now Cyba came to think of it, the shutters in the cockpit had been closed. "As for the minis, we have an area for them in HQ. We can take them there and they'll be looked after until somebody adopts them. We can swing by and drop this wraith off at the Department of Mary Sue Experiments and Research on the way."

"You can adopt them?"

"Yeeees..." Eagrus was internally kicking himself, now.

"Can I adopt them?"

"Even with our roomy RC, we don't have space for fourteen minis."

"Seven?"

"One."

"Two?"

"Oh, all right: two. I suppose they do seem to like you."

"Joke? Mess Efekt? How do you like the idea of staying with me?" The two minis blipped eagerly and started chasing each other around Cyba's feet.

"I suppose that solves it," muttered Eagrus.

"Yay!"