Chapter 4: Mission to 'ParentHood 2'

[cyba_zero]

Disclaimer: Mulan belongs to Disney; the concept of minis belongs to Miss Cam and the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia.

The fic being sporked, 'ParentHood 2', belongs to Wills Lover, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3949107/1/ParentHood-2

Many thanks to Firemagic and my other readers on the Board for beta-ing this.

Chapter 4: Mission to 'ParentHood 2' (wherein Eagrus gets a Physics lesson and Cyba declares war on the Ironic Overpower...)

"AAAAAGGGHHHH!"

"WOOOOO HOOOOO!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

"YEEEEE-HAAAA!"

The roller-coaster slowed down and pulled back into the station, much to Eagrus' relief and Cyba's disappointment that it was over so soon.

"I swear I am never doing that again!" Eagrus concluded whole-heartedly.

"Ohhhhhh, that was FUN!" squawked Cyba, her walk punctuated by the occasional excited skip.

"Crikey, and I thought you were bad on coffee..." said Eagrus, warily keeping his distance from his partner's obviously hyper mood.

"Whoopee!" cried Cyba. "Let's do that again!"

"Why do you enjoy being thrown around and scared witless?" asked Eagrus. "You're mad!"

"Says my fellow agent," retorted Cyba, still grinning from ear to ear.

"Cyba, you told me this would make up for the No Drool Videos, not have a different but almost equally unpleasant effect!"

"It's supposed to be enjoyable!" squawked Cyba, dancing along beside him.

"I must admit, I've never seen you in quite this good a mood, before," commented Eagrus.

"Hey, it's a good Physics lesson - gravity, forces, etc..."

"I don't like Physics," Eagrus decided, "and I'm sure that you just like screaming, Agent Zero!"

"Well... that too," she admitted, as they disappeared behind a building and opened a portal back to HQ.

"Tralalalala," sang Cyba. "Tralalala-"

"Cyba, please stop singing."

"But-"

"Face it: you can't sing. It's almost as bad as your screaming!"

"Hey! Not fair!"

"But you did stop singing..."

"Why you sneaky... grrrr." She ground her teeth and went over to the console to check for missions.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"That was good timing," observed Eagrus.

Words wrote themselves across the console's screen: NO, I'VE BEEN BEEPING FOR AGES.

"Sorry," apologised Cyba. "I was giving Eagrus a Physics lesson."

"Yes, I got thrown around, scared out of my mind, and I now know that Physics is not actually Phi Six, a cousin of Cyba Zero," stated Eagrus.

Cyba glared at him.

"Why do you call yourself Cyba Zero, anyway?" he wondered aloud.

"Because I was having a dig at programming when I invented the name," explained Cyba. "Normally, everybody counts from one, but when you're programming, you have to count from zero, you see."

"Oh. Tech stuff. Never mind."

"Funny, I thought you'd say that. How strange."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

"Alright, alright, we're coming!" cried Eagrus.

Destination: 'ParentHood 2' by Wills Lover, Mulan continuum, read the console screen. And watch your Sar-Plasm, Agent Zero.

"Blimey, now the console's telling me off!" complained Cyba in a faux-uppity tone. "Hold on a moment - Mulan AGAIN?" That part was anything but faux.

"It must be more of that pile of badfic currently on top of the Department of Technical Errors," concluded Eagrus.

"Oh really? GOOD."

"Good? Why? Are you completely mad?"

"Yes," agreed Cyba.

"But what about the comma-storms?"

Cyba responded by pulling out a reinforced umbrella with armour plating bolted to it...and grinned. "Bring it on IO!"

"Where did you get that?"

"I bodged it up while you were being subjected to the No Drool Videos," smiled Cyba.

"Riiiight... Oh, and Cyba, don't challenge the IO! It'll come back to bite you!" warned Eagrus.

"And you know what...I'm in a good mood and I DON'T CARE! BRING IT ON!" challenged Cyba.

"I don't know why I'm going to go on this mission with you, but I'm increasingly sure I'm going to regret it," muttered Eagrus apprehensively.

"I'm hyper, crazy - and the IO is not going to stop that. Not today! HAHAHA!" Cyba laughed madly.

"We're doomed..." concluded Eagrus.

Cyba set the disguises and opened the portal. "Come on, Eagrus! Let's go sporking!" With that, she jumped through.

Eagrus swallowed, reluctantly bringing up the rear under the weight of the backpack full of kit.

The duo emerged from the portal. They seemed to be in a weird mixture of Old China and modern America. They picked a doorway and hid beyond it, peering into the room through the crack of the mostly-closed door.

Eagrus set up the crash dummy, while his glance at Cyba revealed something else.

"Cyba, our disguises are bright, fluorescent pink..." he mentioned casually.

"Don't worry! We've got this!" She pulled the DORKS out of his backpack. It looked like a small paper lantern, but beneath this illusion lay a small, cubic device with several buttons.

Eagrus took it from her and reset their disguises to a more amenable colour. He noticed Cyba had deliberately and typically chosen Chinese armour.

Cyba folded her arms and looked smug. "First round: one-nil, to us."

The fic decided to fast-forward right from the start this time.

Miley was now 16. WHY DID MY LITTLE BABY GROW UP WHY??????????????????????????? I cried on my bed and Miley was hanging out with a friend from school. When Shang came in he said "AWWWWW Whats the matter Baby girl???" "Nothing." "somethings wrong. you never cry for no reson what is wrong?" "Miley she is growing to fast. Shang we are losing her the older she gets the more distant we become." "Mulan come on we are not loosing her." I stood up and said "Love I am going to start diner."

The first thing that fell was actually a pair of speech-marks. They also fell from the ceiling, indoors. They pinged off Cyba's helmet, of course.

Cyba rolled her eyes. "Is that it?" she asked.

"Missing speech marks! That's a new one," mused Eagrus, scribbling it down.

Ting! An apostrophe fell, also on Cyba, followed by a pair of colons.

"Hmm, we have general punctuation issues," concluded Cyba.

"And what's this 'reson'? Does she mean re-son? I thought Miley was a girl you know... Maybe re-daughter?" Eagrus paused. "Aaaagh Cyba you've gone and inflicted us with the missing commas now!"

"Ooops." She did not sound that bothered. "Never mind we'll just have to talk as fast as they do now..."

"Or choose our phrases carefully," suggested Eagrus.

"Or that. Good idea."

"To fast? Is Miley not eating?" queried Eagrus.

Cyba scanned the Words. "That is the case later," she confirmed.

A clap of thunder sounded, and Cyba sighed, putting up her umbrella. Eagrus joined her beneath it and the comma-storm began - indoors.

"You missed," she stated, addressing the Ironic Overpower.

"Cyba please stop it," begged Eagrus. "This isn't going to end well."

"Oh look they're not 'loosing' her!" giggled Cyba, ignoring Eagrus' advice.

"Well that appears to be true too," agreed Eagrus.

"And they're starting a diner? What kind? I'm hungry!"

Eagrus snickered.

"Spatial wrench coming up," said Cyba, cheerfully opening a portal and bypassing it. "Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh!" she sang, thumbing her nose at the sky and blowing a big, fat raspberry. A real raspberry then fell out of her mouth, of course, which she caught and promptly ate.

"Mmmmm yum I like raspberries!"

"Cyba please..." pleaded Eagrus, as the pair hid behind a bush in Mulan's and Shang's front garden. "I know you're in a good mood  but you're acting like you've gone totally nuts!"

"Eagrus: I am totally nuts. Nothing new there." That said, she clamped the Glopsnerch earmuffs over her ears in time to block out both Eagrus and the song that (teenage) Miley started singing.

"Oh no, this fic is more song than prose," winced Eagrus, pulling on his own earmuffs. He also noticed that the characters appeared faded from lack of description, and Cyba was still looking way too pleased with herself. From the little he could hear of the song's words, it was neither canonical nor belonged anywhere near Old China.

"Sir?" "Ling do come in." Ling entered and said "Shang I would like permision to marry your daughter." "Ling She is still young BUT You have my blessing." Ling and I went out to see Miley with a ring on her finger already. Mulan came over to me as Ling went over to Miley. I put my arm around her as she started to cry on me. Ling and Miley looked up and said "Are you OK???????" "Yeah fine." "Will you guys do us a favore?" "what is that dad?" "Live close by. spear your moms pain of having our first little baby living far away." Miley got and ran to her parents and said "I promise" Mulan and I hugged our daughter. Ling came over to us and said "OK Keep in touch guys and study up Miley we both need to pass that test." Ling left and Miley ran for her room to hit the books.

"One more 's' in permission!" crowed Cyba.

"And who's this 'Ling She'?" asked Eagrus. The appearance of a miniature version of the original character answered his question. Being non-canonical, it was not a mini-Hun, either, but instead resembled the larger version; which was to say: drab, grey and faded from no description, but vaguely Chinese-looking.

Eagrus scratched something on the charge list as the mini joined them in huddling under Cyba's armoured umbrella.

They knew the Mulan! and Shang!wraiths well enough, but Cyba pointed her CAD at Miley and Ling in turn.

Miley. Human female. Non-canon. Bit character? Mary Sue? Suggestion: remove from continuum anyway.

Ling. Human male. Non-canon. Type uncertain. Suggestion: get rid of him just to be sure.

Then it exploded in Cyba's hand.

"All right one point to you IO but I'm still in a good mood!" cackled Cyba defiantly. Her gauntlet had taken most of it, and it was not as though she would be allowed to keep the armour when they got back.

"Favore? How French!" commented Eagrus, having decided that ignoring Cyba's antics completely was now the best course of action. "But to 'spear' your 'mom's pain'... that just plain isn't friendly."

The pair lurked on the stairs as Miley, Mulan and Shang went up to the top floor.

Cyba glanced at the words and started giggling.

"What?" Eagrus inquired.

"Wait for it... wait for it..."

"Touchdown!" cried Mulan.

"She brought a try to Miley's room," explained Cyba. "American Football - or is it Rugby? The continuum's too messed up to tell properly regardless."

The two agents broke down in giggles.

"Oh wait: it gets better!" spoke Eagrus.

Cyba recovered just in time to hear a truly bizarre, really overdone kiss, which kept changing pitch.

"What... in the Multiverse... was that?"

"Mulan retuning Shang's kiss," replied Eagrus.

"Ha!" snorted Cyba, and they both collapsed into hysterics again.

Several minutes of hard laughing later:

"OK Eagrus what's up next?" pressed Cyba eagerly.

"Bad singing," Eagrus announced. "Charge for mentioning God where Christianity hasn't spread yet assuming this is meant to be Old China. This lack of commas is really getting annoying you know. I'm going to have to use - ah hyphens. Lovely! Let's skip to the wedding - via the nearest training camp armoury."

"Hmm - it's on the fallowing day. How appropriate," Cyba observed. "At least it would be - if it weren't meant to be the following day... despite organisational issues."

"It will be empty after we're done," agreed Eagrus. "Lying fallow until the next time we have to throw these blasted wraiths out of Mulan."

They portalled to the wedding, which was taking place floating in the middle of the ever-present comma-storm - thanks to lack of description, again. The earlier reference to God had resulted in a random bell-tower also floating there, though.

"I object!" bellowed Eagrus, with horrible corniness.

"Hello you two wraiths! You're back and we're here to throw you out again!" announced Cyba cheerily.

Eagrus wasted no time in reciting the charges:

"Fake!Mulan and Fake!Shang - you are charged with: fast-forwarding the fic; general punctuation issues - particularly commas as per usual; lack of paragraphs and description - again as usual; bad capitalisation - again; creating a weird mix of Old China and modern America; singing non-canonical songs; turning this nigh on into a songfic; a small smattering of bad spelling - but they were really hilarious ones; creating a mini; spatial wrenches; talking in a temporary French accent; 'spearing your mom's pain' - sparing would be better; scoring a touchdown at Miley's bedroom door; retuning a kiss; mentioning God where Christianity hasn't reached yet; being wed inordinately quickly and on 'the fallowing day'; and having children named Will and Elizabeth in OLD CHINA."

"You forgot the comma-storms," Cyba reminded him.

"Yes - and comma-storms," amended Eagrus.

"We already know what your last words will be," stated Cyba, "so we're skipping to the part where we throw you out of this continuum - yet again."

"YOU AGAIN!" roared the wraiths in unison, both making to draw non-existent swords.

"Tsk tsk: no swords at weddings you know," shrugged Eagrus.

Cyba ran for the shelter of the bell-tower and lit a candle. Then, relishing both the convenience and the noise, she rang the bells.

There followed a rather silly game of chase between Eagrus and the wraiths, culminating in him successfully whacking them both with canon material while shouting: "I cast you out! The power of Disney compels you! AGAIN!"

The wraiths coalesced and Eagrus whacked them both a second time, expelling them from the continuum - again.

That left Miley and Ling, who were both so under-described that they had simply stood there through all this, with no idea what to do. Without the wraiths, there was barely anything preventing the canon from pinging back to normal.

"Didn't someone say something about spears earlier?" pondered Eagrus, twirling his acquisition from the armoury menacingly. That was all it took: Miley and Ling vanished, Mulan and Shang returned to their rightful places, and canon resumed.

"Well," announced Cyba triumphantly, once they reached the RC, "we're back, our disguises are off, the portal's shut and absolutely nothing else can happen. I'm still in a good mood, so TAKE THAT, IRONIC OVERPOWER!"

"Cyba, really..." began Eagrus again. "You are going to do the next mission on your own, because I really don't want to be around you when..."

KABOOM!

The faulty disguise generator exploded, throwing Cyba bodily across the room, to crash against the opposite wall. Eagrus was far enough away that, after recovering from the sudden shock, he found the only effect was that his eyebrows had been singed. Cyba, on the other hand...

"Well, you really can't say you didn't have that coming," Eagrus called into the smoke cloud.

There came a groan from the floor as the smoke and dust slowly cleared. With a laboured scraping, Cyba carefully got up. She looked a little dazed.

"That actually didn't hurt as much as it could have," she commented, but she sounded a lot less smug.

"Er," said Eagrus, wondering how to put things carefully. "I don't think that was the point the IO was making."

"OK, maybe I'm a little stiff," admitted Cyba, flexing slightly.

"Well, that's one way of putting it..."

"I think I'll go to bed for a while, rest it off."

"Cyba... I really don't think that'll help."

Cyba stopped and looked at him, and Eagrus took an involuntary step back.

"Why not?" she demanded.

"Because you look like an undead tech monster."